The pilot on a small plane announced that the plane was going to crash and it's every man for himsel

The pilot on a small plane announced that the plane was going to crash and it's every man for himself. The pilot and co-pilot then grabbed two parachutes and jumped out of the plane. The four passengers, an old priest, a 10 year old boy, a brain surgeon and an attorney, ran to the storage area for the remaining parachutes -- there were only three left. The brain surgeon said, "There is only one other doctor in the world that can perform the type of surgery I do, and I can save thousands of lives, I'm too needed to die" -- so he grabbed a pack and jumped. The attorney then pushed aside the priest and the 10 year old, grabbed a pack and explained, "Since I am an attorney, my life should be saved because I have superior knowledge and intelligence and am very much needed to advise all the thousands of people less brillant than me", and then he jumped. The old priest turned to the young boy and said, "Son, take the last parachute, I have had a full life and am at peace with my Maker, you have your whole life to live yet". The young boy was shaking his head "no" -- Don't worry Father, he said, "we both will be ok -- you know that guy who said he had superior knowledge and intelligence -- well, instead of grabbing a parachute pack, he grabbed my backpack!"

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."